


The Last Apology

by zkdkim



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-16 04:01:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16077968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zkdkim/pseuds/zkdkim
Summary: Sehun wants to apologize, but Jongin can't forgive him.Genre: Angst (I guess)Also available on my Wattpad account: -kimjongins





	The Last Apology

"The Last Apology"

 

It was the end of the semester, and Jongin barely made it. The stress he had throughout it was unbearable. He felt helpless, disillusioned, and completely exhausted. He was sitting near the fireplace which mimic the sun for the evening, inviting something he normally didn't feel—warmth, comfort. The flames curl and sway, flicking in different directions rhythmically, eating away the wood. Students around the campus were all getting ready to visit their homes. Jongin looked forward to visit his family, he missed them. He felt lonely. College wasn't as exciting or fun as he thought it would be this year. Parties didn't interest him. Relationships didn't last. It just sucked. Jongin still hasn't packed up, and he was going to leave tomorrow. He blamed himself for being so lazy. After a few failed attempts to be more productive, he got up and dragged his feet to his room.

As he was finally packing, one of his suitcases broke. He didn't think anything could possibly get worse. He was so annoyed; but instead of making a huge about it, he just went out to buy a new one. Unfortunately, the school's store didn't have one, so he had to go to the nearest shop about ten miles down. As he was heading out, he heard the screams of thunder. It was going to rain, and he was going to have to walk. After going back to get his umbrella, he started to walk. After walking half a mile, he heard a car beep. He glanced back as the grey car pulled over. He knew the owner of the car and turned his back. He kept walking. As Jongin was walking, he felt someone tug on his arm. "Where are you going?" he heard a deep voice spoke.

"To the store," Jongin uttered.

"Let me take you."

"I'm fine..."

"Just let me take you! It's quite far."

Jongin sighed and just listened. He knew that this person wouldn't stop, and they somehow always had some control over him. "Fine."

Jongin went inside the car, and the person drove off.

The first few minutes was complete silence. The only things you could hear was sound of each drop fall on the windshield, followed by a cry from the thunders, and possibly the engine. Jongin wanted to scream. He wanted to leave. He wanted to forget, but he couldn't.

"So how have you been?" the person said.

"Fine, Sehun," Jongin muttered.

Sehun was Jongin's best friend.

Jongin didn't have that many friends throughout his life. Yeah, he had schoolmates, neighbors, and relatives that were important  in his life, but Sehun was the one person who was always first place in his heart.

Sehun was very handsome and had charms that many couldn't resist. He was slightly taller than Jongin and had straight brown hair and deep chestnut brown eyes with freckles to match.

By nature, Sehun was communicative and outgoing. Everyone loved him.

As a normal human being, however, Sehun also had his shortcomings. He was impatient. At times, absent-minded and inconsiderate which led people to think he never took you seriously. He was also thought as a cold, emotionless, bitchy, go-with-the-flow kind of guy, but he was actually gregarious, warm, and just full of life.

"You're still mad?" Sehun insensitively said.

Others might wonder, how could Jongin be mad at someone who was first in his heart?

"I don't know why I am the only one getting the blame when you're at fault too," he continued.

"Excuse me," Jongin cocked a brow.

"You heard me," Sehun said blankly.

Jongin clicked his tongue and said, "I don't know what you're talking about but whatever."

They went back to the absolute silence with the sound of rain and thick tension in the air. Jongin looked at the road and was captured by the scenery. The tranquil road was swaddled in a veil of poltergeist-white mist. It was as if you couldn't see nothing anything after a one-fourth of a mile. Jongin slanted his eyes and noticed Sehun was blank, as if he was not in this world. Maybe Jongin was out of line. Maybe he would try and talk things out with Sehun. But the thing about Jongin was that he was so stubborn. Jongin looked back at the road and noticed a truck was ahead towards them, on their lane.

"Sehun..."

There was no change in Sehun's driving--same direction, same speed.

"Sehun!" Jongin yelled which snapped Sehun back to reality. Sehun noticed the truck driving towards them and he quickly jerked his car to the other side but not fast enough.

It was as if everything played in slow motion. The cacophony of sounds hit Jongin's ears like a tidal wave. The crunching of metal followed by the tinkling of the glass as it shattered.  The screams followed by the pain, unbearable pain, crushing him in and claiming him for it's own. As his sight faded, Jongin briefly caught a glimpse of Sehun, barely moving and just like that— everything went dark.

I'm dead. I have to be dead. Those were Jongin's thoughts.

It didn't occur to Jongin that he made it, because at that very moment all he did felt was pain, but it was incomparable to the pain that remained in his heart. But then Jongin heard people talking. One by one, his senses came back until lastly he was able to open his eyes. He was in the hospital, and he felt so much pain. He tried to sit up but barely managed to hold himself together. Suddenly, a nurse approached Jongin, "How are you feeling?"

"Horrible," Jongin simply said.

"It's amazing how you survive that crash. It was pretty nasty."

Jongin nodded. It didn't take him a few seconds to ask if Sehun was okay. The nurse told Jongin that Sehun was fine. Just a broken arm and a few scratches. Jongin was relieved. He wouldn't be able let himself live if something bad happened to Sehun.

"Do you know what room he is in?" Jongin asked.

"Room HN7. Right next door."

 Jongin thanked the nurse and slowly walked his way towards Sehun. When he finally reached Sehun's room, he smiled. Sehun was looking out the window. Jongin cleared his throat which caused Sehun to turn around. "So how are you feeling?" Jongin asked.

 Sehun smiled. "It's nice to see you still care about me." Those words stunned Jongin. It didn't occur to him that he made it seem like he didn't care about Sehun. He cared so much and that kind of broke his heart.

 "Of course I still care...I'm just mad at you."

 Sehun laughed, "You have a funny way of showing it."

 Jongin felt bad but didn't want to admit it. He looked around the room. It was a typical room of a patient. There was no life to it. Decorated in colors designed to be restful but had the vibe of a funeral room. Desperately trying to look like someone's bedroom but lacking personality. Cold, institutional tile floor, sheets in sterile white with pale blue blanket, and of course a TV, a heart monitor and such.

 Jongin looked back at Sehun and noticed he was writing something. "What are you doing?"

 "Just writing a letter."

 Before, Jongin could say anything else, the nurse came in. "Mr. Oh and Mr. Kim, it seems that nothing else is wrong. The doctor just needs to run a few more tests, and you are both free to go this evening."

 "Great," Sehun smiled as Jongin just nodded. As the nurse headed out, Jongin was about to leave as well, but Sehun suddenly said, "Do you know about the seven myths of Heaven?"

 Jongin shook his head. Sehun talked about how interesting that topic was. He went deeper, talking about whether or not heaven actually exist, if other universes exist like ours, and so on. All Jongin did was listen.

 Throughout the day, Sehun and Jongin tried to catch on things. It was awkward at first, but then it was if nothing happened between, as if it was like how it was before. Before they knew it, it was already evening. Sehun and Jongin headed to the dorms. Jongin decided that he should just pack light and forgot about getting a new suitcase.

 As Jongin went to his room, Sehun just causally followed. It was as if they never fought. It was as if horrible words (that wasn't actually their true feelings) weren't exchanged. Sehun decided to help Jongin pack a few things. As Jongin moved things around his book self, something fell. Before Jongin could bend down to reach it, Sehun grabbed it.

 It was a red Italian leather photo book that marked the words Always And Forever. Memories, good and bad, were all there, for the most part. Sehun sat on the corner of Jongin's bed and opened it up. The first thing Sehun saw was him and Jongin in the sandbox when they were about five. The sight of the younger them made Sehun smile and which made Jongin's heart race. "We were so cute," he said.

 "Well, I was cuter," Jongin joked.

 "Shut up," Sehun laughed as he flipped through the book, then came to a stopped. Jongin looked at the book and saw Sehun stopped at the photo of Jongin's and their good friend's, Kyungsoo, birthday party. Kyungsoo graduated last spring. When they were younger, Jongin and Sehun would always fight over Kyungsoo and looking back at that made Jongin smiled. They were such children back then.  Sehun continued flipping through the pages, bringing them closer to present day.  The deeper Sehun went, the more nostalgic Jongin became. It didn't take long for Sehun to reach at the last picture; the day everything went wrong and downhill.

 "Do you hate me?" Sehun asked.

 Hate was a strong word. Jongin could never hate Sehun, but he couldn't easily forgive Sehun.

 One may wonder what happened between them? What caused them to drift apart? Everything happened on this particular date. December 18th, 2015. Exactly a year ago.

 It was at a party. Sehun was dating this girl and Jongin just had really bad vibes about her, but since Sehun was happy, that's all he cared about. It was a beautiful night when it all happened actually. Jongin and his good friend who also graduated last spring, Taemin, were having a blast as Sehun was with his little girlfriend. Taemin went to the bathroom, and Jongin decided to get some fresh air outside since it was a bit crowded inside.

 Outside was quiet and peaceful. As the bright sun finished its shift, it was replaced by the mint, milky moon and its friends the myriad, twinkly stars. Jongin was feeling troubled. He had no idea what his future was going to be like, and that frustrated him. The idea of not knowing what there is to come and that any mistake can affect him deeply and badly. As he was thinking to himself, he drank the cold beer that was in his hands. Suddenly, someone pat his back and stood next to him. He looked over to see the identifiable figure. It was Sehun's girlfriend, Nina.

 "Sehun's not here," Jongin coldly said.

 "Wow, so moody."

 "I'm sorry, but we're not friends, and I'm not going to fake anything." Don't get Jongin wrong, Nina was pretty. She had long thick hair in the shade mahogany, her skin was pretty, and had a petite body. But don't be fooled, she was a snake.

 Nina couldn't help but chuckle. She took Jongin's beer from him and drank from it.

 "Hey—"

 "You know I'm really getting tired of Sehun," she suddenly said.

 "...what?"

 "I mean, he is sweet and all, but he just isn't my type." Jongin wasn't surprised, to be honest. I knew something was off about this girl and he was right. She wasn't emotionally connected with a Sehun as Sehun was with her and that was understandable. Jongin understood that, but he didn't understand why she had the need to tell him that.

 Jongin felt bad. He knew how much Sehun liked this girl and just the idea of her breaking his heart broke his.

 "To be honest," she continued, "you're actually my type."

 Jongin widen his eyes and looked at her. He knew something was off. The idea of her interested him made him cringe. At that time, Jongin already liked someone else. "I'm not interested—"

 Nina suddenly tried to kiss Jongin, but fortunately, he was able to slightly push her away. The thing that was irritating about this girl that she was so persistent. "Nina, stop." But she didn't stop, so Jongin pushed her harder which this time made her lose her balance and fall back hitting the hard ground.

 Jongin looked at her disgusted and had no idea incensed eyes were staring at him at that very moment when his hands push Nina off. Abruptly, his jaw made connect with a sudden hard fist. He winced in pain as his jaw was throbbing. He looked up and to see Sehun. Jongin got back on his feet and uttered, "Sehun, let me explain." Instead of calming down, Sehun threw another punch, but this time in the nose.

 When Jongin got  hit in the jaw, it didn't hurt that bad, but his nose experienced this horrible pain as if his face was caving in, causing him to slightly tear up immediately.  "You piece of shit," Sehun said.

 Jongin was stunned. The Sehun he knew was not there at that moment. It was just a guy protecting his girlfriend. "You know what? Go rot in hell," Jongin said as he got back up. "She came onto me and won't stop pushing herself onto me, so I pushed her."

 "He is lying," Nina said, "I was just asking where you were."

 Jongin could not believe the bullshit this girl tried to pull. "She doesn't even like you, Sehun. She—"

 "Liar." Those were the words that stabbed Jongin in the chest.

 "You would say anything to break us up. I thought you were my friend."

 "But I am your friend."

 "No, you're not. Friends don't lie. A real friend don't try to ruin their friend's relationship just for their suspicion and jealousy."

 Jongin felt small and alone at the very moment. Eyes were watching and Jongin felt like he wanted to crawl under a rock. He was thought as the person who did wrong when he was actually the victim.

 Yeah, and friends believe their other friends. Friendship is bond by trust. Without trust, there's is nothing, Sehun. You made that loud and clear.

 "Then I guess we're not friends," Jongin finished.

 And that's how their strong bond broke.

 Jongin looked at Sehun whose face was in his hands as he was waiting for Jongin to say something, anything.

 "I don't hate you, Sehun. I could never in a million years hate you. I'm just mad. I feel betrayed. Hurt. You know? All you had to do was trust me, because I would never lie to you, and you knew that. Trust means everything, and the fact you couldn't trust me showed how you didn't think our friendship was real."

 "I'm sorry. I was over my head. I couldn't help it. I just liked her so much. When I found out her true colors, I realized that I made a mistake. And that mistake was when I didn't trust you, and I'm so sorry for that," Sehun said, having the tone of guilt, putting his head down. He felt ashamed.

 Jongin could feel the pain in his heart. He didn't want to see Sehun like this, but he just couldn't forgive him. "Sehun, look, don't confuse how I feel with hate. I don't hate you.  I love you. You were always first in my heart and I always put your feelings before my own. But, love is unconditional. Not my trust and neither my respect. Those two things are lost and it takes more than a 'sorry' to get it back."

Sehun nodded and a tear fell. "At least you're talking to me again." The two finished packing and Jongin was ready to take the train to go home. The both walked down the stairs and sat in the common area. The fire was out replacing the sun. "Have you packed yet, Sehun?"

Sehun shook his head. "I'm not going home."

"Why?"

"Not enough time."

Jongin didn't understand what Sehun meant and restrained himself from asking anymore questions. Sehun pulled out his phone and decided to play some music. He gave one earbud to Jongin which Jongin gladly accepted it.

Sad Song by We The Kings played. As they were listening, Sehun sang to some of the lyrics. As time slowly went by, Jongin thought to himself. He missed Sehun. He wanted to reconnect with him. And maybe they could. It's not like Jongin would stay mad forever.

"Sehun.."

"Mhmm."

"I know that I said I can't forgive you which I still can't as of now, but I still think we should be friends again. Let's start over."

Sehun smiled. "I would really like that."

Jongin looked at the time and saw that the train was coming soon and thought it was best for him to leave now. Sehun walked Jongin out and was willing to send him off. It took them ten minutes to get to the station and the train was going to arrive any minute.

Jongin looked at Sehun and said, "When I come back, we will definitely hang out, okay?" Sehun nodded. "Don't forget to call me, Jongin."

"I won't."

The sound of the train suddenly merged into the air. The train was coming and Jongin was excited to go home. He wasn't in the same crappy mood he was in yesterday. And he had to thank Sehun for that. The train came and Jongin got in. Jongin turned around and waved at Sehun who looked a bit tired now that Jongin really looked at him. He looked  paler, even a slight greenish, shivering a lot while sweating. Sehun tried to wave back, but suddenly grew weaker and fell onto the ground.

It was as if it was in his nature, Jongin ran out the train. Seconds before the train doors closed. "Sehun, are you okay?" Jongin said as he grabbed Sehun's hands which were unrealistically freezing. The weather wasn't even that cold, but Sehun was freezing like he was dead.

"Jongin..."

"Yeah?"

"You're about to wake up."

"What?" This was a dream. This was all a dream. None of it was real.

"Listen to me, when you wake up, don't blame yourself, because it was bound to happen. Don't hate yourself, because this was my fault. Just know that all of this was real. It maybe a dream, but everything is real. Promise, you'll move on and be happy, okay? For me."

Jongin was still shocked. He barely made out the words, "...I promise."

And just like that Jongin woke up. It was like the start of his day, but this time the unbearable pain was much worse. Even though he was in so much pain, he only cared about Sehun. Where was Sehun?

"Uh, excuse me?" Jongin tried to grab the nurse's attention. "Do you know where Oh Sehun is?"

The nurse went to look and find out where Sehun was. A sweet dream like that suddenly felt like a nightmare. It was just a bad dream. Sehun was fine. The nurse came back and a troubled look in her face. Jongin felt uneasy. Sehun was fine.

"Mr. Kim, I'm sorry to say that Oh Sehun passed away 10:47 last night." Jongin's world shattered. Passed away? That had to be a lie.

"What? How? Was it because from the accident?"

"Actually, no. He survived the accident. But...you were close to dying, because you need a transplant--uh, your heart was failing as well as your liver, and Mr. Oh was willing to donate. We were shocked  a first, but he kept persisting to save you, so he donated. I'm sorry."

"No." Jongin felt his heart ripped out of his chest. He was feeling so many things all at once--shock, pain, anger, guilt. Jongin suddenly felt like his heart was pierced. If he could go back in time, he would do things differently. Sudden thoughts such as what would life been like if they made up a lot sooner. Jongin had the urge to scream. Everything hurt. His head hurt, his heart hurt, his body hurt--everything.

* * *

 

Jongin's world is like an endless winter. Cold, lonely, and deadly.

"Mr. Kim. It's time for your check up," a sweet voice spoke. Great, how nice.

He turned my head away from the window seeing Nurse Choi coming in the colorless room with her happy quirky self. When she took her eyes off the folder and she looked at him. He was mesmerized by her beauty. Her black wavy hair tied into a bun, her long eyelashes framing her browneyes that had hint of a sparkle. She had flawless skin, small nose, and small pink lips.

"Ready?" she asked revealing her perfect white teeth.

Jongin wheeled towards her nodding his head. "Ready," he replied.

On their way, which was only about two minutes, but felt like a lifetime, she asked, "Are you doing okay?"

"Yeah." That was a lie.

After that it was dead silence. Neither of them muttered out a word. When they enter the elevator, the silence was broken when she said, "Things will get better."

Those words that just came out of her mouth gave him chills on his spine. Things will get better.

He didn't say anything back.He didn't even look at Nurse Choi, because he know she's giving him a sympathized look, but he didn't want anybody's sympathy. Everyone tells me it's going to be okay that things get better. That's the exact same thing they said to probably many patients who stayed in this hospital. 

The elevator door open and she began to push his wheelchair. He took in control and began to wheeled himself. "I got it," he said.

After passing a few more doors, they were finally here. Like many of the other room's this room was dull and gray, had the smell of medicine, and the sound of patients talking in their rooms. he has been in this hospital for so long that it was starting to feel like he lived there.

"Jongin, how are you feeling?" Dr. Chung asked.

"I'm fine." No, I'm not fine.

"Why haven't you been taking your pain-killer medications?"

"Sorry, I forgot," he has been trying to forget many things lately.

"Well, you can't forget so easily. It's important for you to get better."

That's not the first time Jongin heard that. Did he really need to get better? Was it really that important?

"I know."

After getting checked up, Jongin went back to his room. Jongin has been in the hospital for a few weeks. It still felt unreal. Each time Jongin began to think, he eventually thought of Sehun. The thought of Sehun brought him back to a few days ago and the pain comes in, so Jongin decided to not think.

As Jongin was trying to digest reality, the nurse suddenly came in and handed him a journal. "Mr. Oh wanted you to have this. He said it was for you."

Jongin looked at it for a brief moment. His throat went dry. He slowly took it from the nurse's hand. He was shaking. Everything just seemed unreal. The nurse bowed and left.

Jongin stared at the journal. It was like the one in his dream. Sehun was writing it. He wondered what Sehun wrote and why it now belonged to him. He slowly opened it and it reveal Sehun's handwriting starting with " _Dear Jongin_ ," Jongin's eyes widen and tears began to drop.

 _By the time you read this, I will be gone. Don't blame yourself. My death was bound to happen. A few months back, I was diagnosed with brain cancer. I knew my time was short and I wish I didn't waste so much of time not being with you. You were right. I should have trust you.   I betrayed you, I hurt you. All I had to do was trust you, because you would never lie to me and I knew that._  

Jongin said similar to what was write here, but it was in the dream.

_But I blindly didn't do it. I'm sorry. I was over my head. I couldn't help it. I just liked her so much. When I found out her true colors, I realized that I made a mistake. And that mistake was when I didn't trust you, and I'm so sorry for that. I won't confuse how you feel. I am grateful to know that you still loved me despite my flaws. As I was first in your heart, you were first in mine. My simple sorry won't change anything or easily fix things. I get that. But I hope that you live on happily. Don't hate yourself, because this was my fault. I should have been there for you instead of siding against you. I never regret being your friend, because being your friend was literally a gift. When I first met you, we were about five. Remember when I turned you into a merman in the sandbox or how we would always fight over Kyungsoo. Fyi, Kyungsoo hyung loves me more! Those memories will forever be precious to me and I will cherish them forever. You are probably crying, or maybe you're not, but I would hate myself if I made you cry. I want to see you find the love of your life and do all the things you were meant to do in life. Even though we lost contact, our friendship remains. This is my last apology, I'm sorry. I love you._

_Best friends forever._

_-Sehun_

After Jongin was discharged, he went home. He went upstairs to his room. When he entered the room, he noticed that nothing changed much. He has been away from home so long that he forgot how anything looked. The curtains were different from the thick bold ones back at the hospital. These were more flowing, and misty like that was like a door to the view of the outside world. It was comfortable and could make him take a trip to dreamland. Unlike being at the hospital, he feel more comfortable here.

Outside the window was his mom's garden, but due to the time of year, it was not as beautiful. But in the summer, her garden has so much life. She said that taking care of the garden, or just being there can put her mind at ease. Before, Jongin would even come by to put his mind at ease too. It was a shame that it was winter. Jongin really needed to put his mind at ease.

The memories of his childhood were going through his head like an ocean wave. All the summer parties that had happened in this room, and the late night conversations with...him.

If he were to be able to turn the clock he would, so he could relive what he missed. As he lift himself up, a current box caught his eye he got up and approached to it. It was a big wooden box that had flowers carved on it. He opened it to see pictures, some old books, and tapes. He took some of the tapes and decided to watch a few.

In those tapes, there was a happy boy named Kim Jongin and there was his best friend, Oh Sehun.

"Sehun, will you marry me?"  the five year old Jongin said to his best friend with a heavenly smile plastered on his face.

"I'm a boy." Sehun said.

"So, it doesn't matter. If we get married, we can be friends forever!."

"Mhmm, I guess you're right. Okay! You are the wife though!" he said. 

As he continued to watch, a tear drop dripped from the corner of his eye and slide down his cheeks."I miss you, Sehun..and I forgive you," he muttered to himself trying to hold his tears back, but he couldn't hold back the tears the were falling down. He covered my mouth, so he wouldn't make a sound.

Where did it all go wrong?

Suddenly, Jongin  heard the door knock. "Jongin, can I come in?" his mother asked. He quickly wiped his tears and took out the tape and everything else back into the box.

"Yeah, sure."

She slowly opened the door and looked at his face worried. "Why are your eyes so watery and red?" she asked.

"Oh, it's probably because of you know, and plus I'm tired."

"Okay, why don't you get some sleep?"

"Yeah, sleep is exactly what I need," he let out a fake chuckle.

"Well, okay your sisters aren't going to be here until seven, so you can sleep as much as your heart desires," she said with a smile.  

He nodded his head and watched her as she left the room. Knowing that she was gone, he reached out for the tape from the box again. He began to watch it all over again. Every Christmas, birthday, New Year, and every summer vacation memories when everything was right has a special in his heart.

While watching everything on replay, he drifted to sleep, hoping that he wouldn't wake up from the tender memories he was dreaming. It was when everything was good. There were no fights, car accidents, no cancer, and no hearts broken. 

If he had a remote he would, play the laughter, pause the memories, stop the pain, and rewind the happiness.

Fin

**Forgive me, I was literally half asleep when I wrote this.**


End file.
